Feeling not good enough.

Feeling not good enough, what a concept. We all know that you are the only person who can truly make you happy.  We all know that if you can't love yourself than no one else can. But, do we all know that we run our lives trying to have all of this validated by others. If it is work, if it is a guy, we are all looking for validation. When you do not get what you want you feel not good enough or unwanted, and let me tell you I feel it. You should all know by now that my work situation is just not the best. I feel very unwanted and unappreciated at both restaurants I work at.  I have also just come to the realization that the guy I am "whatevering" with must just be more of a fantasy in my head. I do not want to go into for the protection of his privacy, but at this point it is fair to say that he is just not that into me.  I know I have to stop contact with him for the protection of my heart but what I really want to do is lay in  his arms to make myself feel wanted and validated in that moment. I am wiling to hurt myself for the hour of validation. What is wrong with me? 


Now I am feeling like I let down the person who cares most about me ...me. I took a trip to Atlantic City with my roommate to get out of New York and get away from all of this. We barely slept, drank too much and made bad decisions, it was great! BUT, when you are writing a blog and taking pictures of yourself in a bikini not the best decision.  I will tell you that we had some great food and I will tell you that there is no way I stayed with in my points yesterday. Should I feel bad about it, I honestly do not know what the answer is. Am I eating because I hate myself? I do not think so. I think I ate and drank like that because I was on vacation with my best friend and had a great time doing it. Here is what I do know: Everyone deserves to go on vacation, even if for a day, and do whatever you want to do while on vacation. Everyone has good days and bad days. I still feel worthy and I AM still number one on my list. I said I was doing this for myself and that has always been the truth.  So I am validating myself. I am here, being honest with you and going to wash my hands of the guy, suck it up at work, and laugh at the pictures I took on vacation. For all of you who have had bad days know you are not alone and I hope reading this makes you feel better, writing it sure did.